-____-

2012-02-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

8 days till I have to pack most of my belongings in my purple suitcase and hop on 2 flights to an island off the Australian mainland.

2012-02-14T00:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Vagina Day!

Eh.

2012-02-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

It's an awkward photo, but I like it. Last summer was... different.

I need to stop having rotten days and start waking up with a smile again. T-11 days till Tassie.

2012-02-08T12:55:00.000-08:00

Freaky deaky post-CNY cough + flu + sore throat hybrid is making its presence known once more.

Hibernation mode: on.

2012-02-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

Beep beep, make way. Creepy auntie coming through.

Precious baby James. He's such a little sumo wrestler/snuggle-bunny. So much love for him and Adam.

2012-02-05T00:20:00.000-08:00

It's generally easy to act happy around relatives. Talking about uni and friends is such an easy, safe cover, smiling and nodding while uncles and aunties blab on and on about superficial things doesn't really require much effort. But when baby Adam latched onto my finger, my guard dropped. I couldn't help it. For a moment I felt like bursting into tears and just hugging him and forgetting everything, but doing so in a room full of loud, gambling relatives didn't seem like a very good idea.

Maybe I am a little loopy after all.

2012-02-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

This is me.

(as fugs as ever)

The only thing that's worth noting is the fact that I AM FINALLY WEARING CONTACT LENSES.

Now I'm off to attend a family dinner. Goodbye.

2012-02-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

One low point after the other. I actually miss the times when "happy" was my default emotion.

2012-02-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

I watched Remember Me last night. Mostly out of sheer boredom.. but I wanted to see how crappy RPattz was. Boy, was I wrong.

By the end of the movie, I was sobbing like an infant on the couch. Hm.

In other news, it's February. Going back to Tas in 3 weeks. Excited re: new beginnings and old friends but not really. Going back means going back to some places that remind me of you, being far away from the fam and friends, learning how to take care of myself instead of being babied by my parents and sister/relying on significant others, etc. But going back also means diving headfirst into second year uni, meeting new people, doing different things, and trying to get out of my comfort zone.

I think I set unrealistic expectations for myself.

2012-01-30T23:02:00.000-08:00

If there was a way for me to literally step out of my skin and walk around without it, I would be so happy. Granted, it would be visually horrifying... but incredibly gratifying.

2012-01-29T18:46:00.000-08:00

Post-CNY activities are as follows:

following the Australian Open finals via Google because the internet is too crappy to stream the match
writhing in pain from monthly cramps
sitting, waiting, wishing

Yep, that's pre much it.

Year of the Dragon

2012-01-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year has been pretty rad so far. :)

At home with sissy (feat. mum's hand on the left) on the first day of CNY.

At the Intercontinental Hotel with sis and Uncle Woody last night! His American + Cantonese accent is the absolute best.

Two of the most precious people to have ever existed on the face of the freaking planet. Grandpa and grandma aka ah kong and popo :D

Happy times.

Dear self,

2012-01-20T23:47:00.000-08:00

Eh, kau ni bodoh ke apa?

2012-01-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

Starbucks with B went well. We talked about stuff/shit that happened last year, what has changed, plans for the future, etc. The conversation flowed easily, naturally, comfortably. Almost like old times. I have missed him, and I have really missed being friends with him. It was weird not speaking to him for almost a year.

"Is it normal to go shoe-shopping with your ex-boyfriend?"

"I think it's okay."

Thanks, Ben.

2012-01-15T23:55:00.000-08:00

So...

This is us in 2004. We were 12.

And this is us in 2012.. 19 going on 20.

It's crazy how time flies. We left primary school 8 years ago and, well... here we are now. It's comforting to know that although things change all the time, some will always remain the same. For instance, the way we'd always squeal whenever we see each other, the way we'd find everything each other says humorous, the way we'd somehow always balance each other out.

This lady

and this lady

are my primary school sweethearts. There's no doubt about it.

I haven't seen these two in a while, and I'm so glad I got to see them this time around. I still have to take a moment to get over how incredibly beautiful they are, no homo. Lunch at MOF was hilarious, what with the three of us laughing the whole time. Popping in and out of stores like Forever 21, Aldo, Etude House and Sasa only reminded me that we're almost adults. Almost.

Cheers to us, and many more years of friendship. :) I love the two of you more than I can say.

And today is B's birthday.

2012-01-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

Found this among some knick-knacks lying about at home.

Wore it during my last 2 years in high school at SSI.

Sighsighsigh. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so dramatic and emotional.

2012-01-07T13:43:00.000-08:00

Not having the best of days. I wasn't able to sleep very well at all, I woke up wanting to cry, went out feeling horrible, got into an argument with my dad in public which resulted in me getting so mad I ended up crying (always a good look for a 19-year old girl. not.), had lunch with the parents feeling like crap, some car rammed into my parents' car on the way home (but thankfully it wasn't anything serious), and all I want to do is cut.

While all of that might sound unnecessarily dramatic and horrible (I like that word), I mean every word of it. It also occurred to me in the car that I ended my last relationship looking for what I always had in the previous one.

Wow, Rae. As if you couldn't get any stupider. So THIS is what karma feels like. Getting your ass whupped by some higher power for being horrible (!) to someone in the past... it's not fun.

2012-01-06T23:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Gideon's farewell potluck dinner. It was nice, but in the oddest of ways apart from the obvious.

I guess it goes to show that after a bad break up, you can have all these nasty, bitter thoughts about your ex. You can say the meanest of things, but when you actually see each other face-to-face again – every insult you ever conjured in your head melts away. When you see that someone who used to mean the world to you, everything rushes back to your head. Just like in the movies. One of those 5-second super fast clips of all the good times you had together just makes a beeline for the centre of your brain (in my case, they were those days at high school, movie dates, and hanging out with the rest of the group) and bam. You realise that all that bitterness and pent-up angst, it’s not really there anymore. Of course, this isn’t a “one size fits all” statement. Lots of people still harbour a considerable amount of anger/sadness etc towards their ex. I thought I was one of those people. All the passive-aggressive tweets and blog posts, yes, they were mostly about him. Sure, I still have a few iffy thoughts about his current girlfriend that will probably never go away until I actually meet the chick, but I think it’s okay. I’m sure he has his own opinion about LMT. It’s fair enough. I wasn’t the kindest of ex-girlfriends and I let him down. He didn’t deserve it.

What I thought would be an awkward-as-fuck night turned out into a really fun one. I expected long pauses in our conversations, practically zero eye contact, the kind of things you’d brace yourself for in an unwanted situation. I went to Giddy’s house with an “I’ll fight fire with fire” mindset. Au contraire, there wasn’t any fire at all. We laughed at the same things we used to find funny, we made the same jokes at the same time, and we talked a little on our own. I realise that I have some things to tell him, things that I ought to have told him much earlier before our relationship screeched to a halt. Maybe I’ll get the chance to tell him these things in person, maybe I won’t. I’m much more cowardly than I think I am and my tongue has a tendency to attach itself to the roof of my mouth when faced with situations that require explaining things.

I think now would be an appropriate time to remind my (future) self (and my readers, if there are any apart from my sister and Grace) that I still don’t have any regrets. My relationship with B ended because I thought I’d found someone who was a better fit. That didn’t work out in the long run, but B is happy now and that’s what I’ve always wanted for him. I reckon he’s grown in ways I’m not sure I should be privy to. Those 6 months with LMT were some of the happiest I’d experienced in a long while, and although I’m honestly still not over him, I’m getting by. That doesn’t mean that I’m happy, or that this is easy, but I’m getting by.

Back to B. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make it up to him. I guess I know what being betrayed feels like (guh, so dramatic). You can't exactly mend things like these with some UHU glue. All the things I've said in the past about B being "spineless" and "malleable," those were things I shouldn't have uttered. He is happy. The least I could do for him is to be happy for him, too.

2012-01-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's like you're walking with stacks of paper in your hand and a fan is blowing in your direction. Sheet after sheet of paper begins to fly all over the place and some land on the ground. You're trying to pick each one up, all the while trying to balance the other sheets in your arms. You kneel, contort your body, stretch your fingers, and try to hold on to any bit of paper you can. But all the flapping and swishing around you just makes things worse and the more frantic you get, the more sheets of paper slip out of your grip and fall to the floor.

You can't save everything. You can't save wasted feelings.

2012-01-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Lopped off 3 inches of hair today. I basically look the way I did in April last year, except fatter.

Chinese New Year shopping = done and dusted. Yay, new clothes! But boo, crazy prices.

2011-12-31T22:47:00.000-08:00

'Tis almost 2012. :)

2011 didn't turn out the way I expected it to be. I let myself, my family, and my friends down more than I should have. I did a lot of things I maybe probably kinda sorta shouldn't have, and I didn't do a lot of things I maybe probably kinda sorta should have. Do I have any regrets? Of course. But I met a lot of people who are now very dear to me, and I lost some loved ones. I learned a few lessons along the way. I'm not ending 2011 with the happiest of hearts, but I am looking forward to 2012 and what it has in store for me.

Bye, blog. See you next year.

2011-12-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

Had lunch with some SSI buddies at Nando's. :)

Li Yang, Ajimm, Hanafi, Gideon, Zaky, yours truly, Sarah, Hui Zhi, Melissa, Hanis, Jeeven.

In my mind, when faced with an awkward situation, you can either a) ignore it and pray it goes away ASAP or b) face it and try to make it less awkward by saying something to break the ice. Although I tend to go with option a), the hypocrite in my head looks down on people who also choose option a). I reckon I ought to change that (2012 reso!).

I know I'm flawed, perhaps more so than the average person - but it's never too late to make a few changes here and there. And although it's still taking some time to sink in, I'll eventually have to accept that I should never settle for less than I deserve.

2011-12-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

6 ex-SSI students, one room.

Bam! It was a good night. And it wasn't awkward at all because some people didn't turn up! (insert lots of cheering here) Indian food, Tiger beer, nauseating ballads (Gideon's taste in music is questionable), and laughing so hard till it hurt. We talked about things we used to talk about when we were in high school, about where everyone is studying, about what everyone is doing. It was pretty bittersweet, to be honest. But lovely nonetheless.

2011-12-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

Pretty knackered after spending most of the day at the old Putra Heights house, tossing old things away. So much trash, so many memories. Oh well.

Anyway, I was reading Melissa's blog post in which she mentioned SSI and growing up. That prompted me to look through some photos I took two years ago during my senior year at SSI.

I really do miss those days. Wearing the baju kurung, stoning during assembly, laughing at Cikgu Roslee's nonsensical rants and flying saliva during PJ, my love-hate relationship with additional maths, getting scolded for not pinning my hair or for wearing ankle shorts, bumming around during BC, and everything else, most of which I've already forgotten. Now that new blocks have sprung up in the school compound, going back would be redundant. The environment I had grown used to has changed, and the people that made my 2 years at SSI enjoyable aren't there anymore. It's slightly scary yet wonderful to observe how everyone has grown up in their own way. Some people have changed drastically, perhaps for the better, while others have still remained the same. Gone are the tacky school uniforms, rules we had to follow, and subjects we had to take for no apparent reason. We're all in uni now and doing our own thing - I think it's pretty wicked.

Has it really been 2 years since we walked out of the school compound, cheering as we did so?

2011-12-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

I honestly thought today would just be another average day. I got up, went to the gym, had breakfast, and watched TV. Then a show came on that made me think about the dead. There are only a handful of people that come to mind whenever the subject of death pops up, because I'm fortunate enough to know only a few dead people. One of those people is Charles "Chuck" Carroll. He was my aunt's friend, and I met him when I was around 8 or 9 years old when he came to Malaysia with my aunt. We instantly got along, and I remembered him as being this towering giant of a man with big hands (or maybe it was because I had really small hands back then). I remember him teasing me a lot, and taking me to this shop in one of the malls in Bangsar we were at. He bought me a pink bracelet with flowers on it. My relatives marveled at our instant connection, and from then on, Chuck was my godfather.

Although I didn't see him again until a few years later, he kept in touch. He used to send pretty cards to me and I always wrote back. As birthday presents, he sent me year-long subscriptions for the National Geographic magazine because he knew I loved reading NG. He really doted on me, albeit from afar. In fact, I still have a bookmark he once sent to me. It's tucked away in one of the books I'm currently reading. I also still have a few Harvard University keychains from him, because he was a Harvard Division of Continuing Education employee.

In 2003, my family and I spent Christmas at my aunt's place in Boston, Massachusetts. I was 11. I don't remember much about seeing him, but I have a vague memory of sitting on his lap and laughing about the way he resembled Laurence Fishburne (Morpheus from The Matrix/Dr Raymond Langston from CSI). He was still very much my godfather. I don't think we wrote to each other after that trip to the States. I don't know why we stopped. I also don't know when I first heard about his illness, and although my parents suggested that I write him, I never did. I sporadically asked my aunt about his condition, but she never told me much. On a few occasions, I asked her if I could have a picture of him, just so I could see what he looked like - but I never got one. My dad, who went back to Boston a couple of times after that trip in 03, told me after one of his trips that he had went to visit Chuck. All he said was, "He doesn't look very good." I was aware of his deteriorating condition, but I still didn't write him.

Chuck passed away in 2007. His death wasn't altogether surprising - it had only been a matter of time - but it still got to me. I beat myself up for not making the effort to write back to him. On really bad days, I still do. From that time onward, every once in a while, I would think of Chuck. I Googled him earlier today, mainly because of the TV show (which was about ghosts, actually) and because I wanted to know more about his past. That is, if Google had any information worth checking out - and it did. I found an article about his time at Harvard, as well as a photo of him - which is definitely going on The Wall along with other photos of my loved ones when I set up my room in Christ College next semester.

I'm fairly sure this isn't want closure is supposed to feel like. If anything, I feel worse about myself. For not writing back to him, for not having done this sooner, for not even thinking about calling him when I knew he was sick. Now, I miss him more than ever. I wonder if he knows.

2011-12-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

Post-family dinner thoughts:

I miss a lot of things. I am also afraid of a lot of things. I'm still sad about a lot of things. I'm slightly happy about some things, but the sadness about a lot of things outweighs the happiness. I don't need a lot of things. I'm disappointed in a lot of things that didn't work out the way I had hoped they would. I should be grateful for having a lot of things but I still want a lot of other things.

Lots of things and lots of sad feelings.

Lots and lots.

I honestly think that I may be going off my rocker.

Partly Cloudy

2011-12-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

Current mood:

2011-12-15T23:55:00.000-08:00

Can everyone just stop for a moment to appreciate the perfection that is James McAvoy? Um, yah. Hnggggggggggggg.

2011-12-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

The urge to SH (or SI, whichever floats your boat) is always there. It always has been, you know? It's just one of those things that is always at the back of my mind, more so when I'm going through rough patches. It's easy. The release is nice. It can be quick, or you can drag it out. When people tell me that there are better ways to deal with problems etc, I just feel like telling them, "Hey. It's not like I don't know all of this. Shush." It's just one of my ways of coping. I'm fairly sure everyone has their own way of dealing with issues.. and this is mine. I wish my friends and family would understand that and leave it be. I have no intention of endangering my own life. I'm not stupid enough to go that far. Although to some, I'm already stupid enough to want to SH. Funnily enough, there are some people who think that I do it for attention or out of boredom. Someone once told me when I was 15, "You can go ahead, it's fine by me". Someone else told me this year, "Remember to go down the road, not across the street!" One thing those two people have in common is that they were both involved with me at a certain point in time. I cannot fathom how something like this can come across as a joke, or something one does due to an idle mind. When someone you've let into your "bubble" says something like that, even in passing or as a well-meaning joke, I cannot find enough words to appropriately express how much it hurts. I know this is true for many other individuals who choose to SH.

I'll admit that it's something I can easily fall back on, because it's a.. I don't know. "Habit" is the wrong word. It's not a habit if I've stopped for over a month. It works when nothing else does. Think about it: at least I'm not smoking, or doing drugs, binge-drinking, or shoving my fingers down my throat. At least I still have a relatively normal life. Things could be a lot worse. And SH/SI isn't "glamorous". Not in the least. I wouldn't encourage anyone I know to try it out. What works for me probably doesn't work for others. So what am I getting at, exactly? To each their own. It's really quite simple.

2011-12-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

I keep having dreams of people who want to murder or harm me

Lol I must suck as a person for someone to want me dead lol

I only ever say "lol" when I'm cranky/being sarcastic/feigning interest

lol

2011-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

*Ripped from my tumblr but only because I don't want to forget about this. It's easier to sift through this blog instead of going through hundreds of images on my tumblr.

2011-12-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

G-DAWG SENT ME A BELATED BDAY CARD. It made my day! So jelly that she's in Singapore, watching Wicked. I'm glad she's just as mad about musicals as I am. That's what my house in Seremban looks like... well, part of it. The old and faithful piano is there, along with some embarrassing baby photos and the display cabinet thingy.

Stuck in Seremban for a week. Now what do I do?

2011-12-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Momma just (as in 5 minutes ago) got in touch with one of her old friends from the UK, whom she hasn't heard from in over 20 years. Needless to say, she's overjoyed. Now my brain's chugging away, thinking about things it honestly shouldn't bother with. Who will I have lost touch with, decades from now? Who will I have forgotten, and who will have forgotten about me? Who will I still bug regularly? Are people who are meant to stay in your life eventually going to find their way back to you?

Thinkity think think. It would be nice to be mindless and floaty for a little while. All the same, I don't feel at ease if I'm not constantly thinking about something serious. I don't know why. But I digress.

Going over a list of phobias, I remember talking to Grace about things that freak us out. She once told me that anything close to the edge of a surface flips her out, and she also mentioned having a phobia of being raped or murdered. Other people I know have common phobias such as the fear of heights, being in crowded areas, the dark etc. It's a strange thing, meeting new people and finding out things about yourself you never really knew about/bothered to acknowledge before. This year, I met someone and discovered that I have athazagoraphobia (which is actually rather pathetic).

2011-12-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

I haz a new bb.

Shitty photo, but it's green. Still getting used to its teenytinyness and lack of a click wheel.

Summa Dayz

2011-12-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

I've been back for just about a month now. I'm falling back into my old routine which consists of eating, sleeping, lying on the couch, stalking people on Facebook, spending an inordinate amount of time watching TV (winter and summer break = my time to catch up on CSI), reading, eating, lying on the couch, chatting with my mum in the kitchen, eating, spending my weekends going to Seremban (well, it used to be Subang), lying on the couch, and eating. Eating.. and lying on the couch. I embody a healthy lifestyle, aw yea.

herp derp (isn't my shirt cute? not that you can see much of it. nabbed it from the Natural History Museum, hee hee)

In case you were wondering, I just ate lunch. I am now on the couch. Watching TV.

SO HEALTHY, YURRR

GPOY. 10 points to whoever can guess where this came from.

brb gonna marry some bacon

2011-12-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Perfection.

brb lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling while soaking up this loveliness.

add. note: I never used to pay much attention to movie scores and the like. thanks, Pants.

Le Fail

2011-12-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

Language-related nonsense up ahead.

Was talking to Nizam, my fam's driver who could easily pass off as a bouncer, earlier today. I was frustrated because the cashier at Cold Storage was everything but friendly. I think I've grown accustomed to Aussie friendliness. I miss the cashiers at Coles and Woolies who ask about my day, uni, exams, or just anything. Cashiers here are... well. I ranted for a couple of minutes about how hostile Malaysian cashiers are, and of course, our conversation was in Malay (with a couple of English words tossed in for good measure). Nizam said something along the lines of "Juruwang kat sini, diorang tak berapa peramah," which means "The cashiers here, they're not very friendly." The moment he said the word "peramah," I froze. It took me a while to finally remember what it meant.

As the conversation went on, I found it harder to search for the words I needed in my head. I kept saying, "I mean" and "like" which must have sounded completely out of place, and I kept pausing mid-sentence because I forgot which words in Malay to use.

Mungkin saya patut menulis dan membaca dalam Bahasa Melayu.. Kalau tidak, habislah saya. But I can't blog in Malay without feeling extremely self-conscious of my now-shitty Malay vocab. I've been speaking and writing in Malay since I was 7. 12 years later, I'm forgetting everything I've learned. Of course, I could simply use this excuse: "I've been abroad for the past 2 years, and although I know a bunch of Malaysians, we don't converse in Malay. Besides, nobody else in Australia speaks in Malay, so there really isn't anyone I can speak in Malay with or to." But that would be lame and untrue. My good friend, Fikri, whom I haven't seen in almost 3 years, suggested that I should read Malay newspapers and rely on Youtube, which definitely sounds feasible.

Or, you know, I could go back to SSI and ask Cikgu Norlela for an intensive course in BM or something.

I also forgot how to say "matchsticks" in Malay, which prompted me to tweet about it:

Well, thank goodness for friends. Jeeven's "padankayu" definition cracked me up for 5 minutes.

So, the question is this: am I going to sit around and gradually forget about a language I have learned and used for over a decade? Hell, no. Getting back on track with my proficiency in Malay is on my list of to-dos over summer break.

OKAY LAH!

2011-12-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

Books that will be read (and for some of them, re-read).

In love with this.

2011-12-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

There aren't enough words to describe how brilliant POTO was. The music, the actors (John Owen Jones! Sofia Escobar! Killian Donnelly!), everything. Sure, I cried like a baby during the final numbers but it's hard not to when you're sitting 2 rows from the stage. "You alone can make my song take flight" is THE BEST LINE EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER.

Natural History Museum!

The Louvre, where I fell even more in love with sculptures.

Le Havre's sea breeze sent me off my rocker (hooray for straight teeth, though).

Herping and derping with sis (and mum in the background).

Sainte-Chapelle!

Pebbles and the ocean at Le Havre.

My Gabs/Gabby/Gabsicle/Gabriel and I at Uniqlo. I miss him to bits.

Back in Malaysia.

The past 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. The 12-hour flight from Paris to KL was very teary, for me at least. I blame Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Marley & Me. Not entirely sure why I decided to watch three sappy movies in a row. As I was sniffing and shedding tears like a doofus while staring at the screen in front of me, my mum jokingly said that I was cleaning my tear ducts from crying so much.

Now my internal clock is ridiculously messed up (it's 6:37 am in Paris but only 1:37 pm here), I miss the cold weather, I miss my friends from Subang, JB, and Australia who are scattered all over the globe, and I'm feeling a little out of place.

2011-11-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

Herp derp... in Paris.

neunzehn Jahre alt

2011-11-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

Leaving London in just over 24 hours. I am 19 years of age (according to Malaysian time, but not yet according to London time).

2011-11-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

"I'm gonna walk like a man

Fast as I can

Walk like a man from you"

Walk Like a Man - The Four Seasons

2011-11-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

I want out.

2011-11-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

London, London, London.

Staying in an apartment right opposite Hyde Park has its perks. Tea, shortbread, chocolate Digestives, the Tube, and British accents.

BRING IT.

2011-11-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

It seems unfair that the last time we saw each other was just a coincidence, walking right by each other near the Parliament Gardens.

I really need to get my shit together and stop moping over something that probably isn't worth moping over anymore. What happened, happened. It's over, it's done, nobody gives a rat's ass so.. why should I. Ignore, bottle it all up, forget it ever happened. Rinse and repeat.

2011-11-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

Argh.

Home

2011-11-13T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's finally sinking in. You're on the other side of the globe and I am here. You and I, we won't be seeing each other again. I honestly can't.. I don't know.

"I Want That You Are Always Happy"

2011-11-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

Well, that night went well - and I don't mean that sarcastically.

What was supposed to be a girls' night in with facial masks and Saw VI turned into some sort of rescue mission (fully operated by Jon, Sandy, and Gamar) and they picked us up from uni accommodation. The next stop was the bottle shop, followed by Jon's abode where we played some silly drinking games and found that mixing Jose Cuervo margarita mix and milk results in small chunks of coagulated milk floating around in your cup, and that Baileys Irish Cream with milk is really yummy.

Gamar dropped us off at Lower House, where we decided that the line was too long so we went to Mobius instead and ended up leaving in the form of stinky, sweaty humans. The next stop was O Bar! It was packed; the dance floor was any claustrophobic's worst nightmare. But we made it work, and eventually, finally, after many failed attempts to meet up in the past, Jinja Ninja showed up. We sat and talked until O Bar closed, and we walked to Salamanca Place and met up with Jon and Sandy before taking a cab back to Jon's.

What ensued was a couple of hours of more talking, laughing, and eating till the sun rose. Left Jon's place at about 6am and Jinja Ninja walked me home, which was nice. I don't know why most of our conversations seem to revolve around either one of us trying to outsmart the other, but I don't mind at all.

My feet are sore, I have two massive loads of laundry to do and a fair amount of packing to get started on. I've been awake for over 24 hours and I'm feeling oddly alert.

Welp, flying home tomorrow. Booyah.

2011-11-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

Everyone should take some time to listen to Dry The River. New favourite band. That be all.

"and the trick of it is, don't be afraid anymore"

2011-11-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

They say you'll find it when you stop looking.

D's 19th

2011-11-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Armadillo turned 19 last night :)

We had dinner at Smolt, followed by drinks at O Bar and the Telegraph Hotel.

Peeeeps. Jon, Alden, Brodi, birthday chick, Gamar, Sandy, Joan, Dion.

Before Jon and Brodi left!

I have pretty friends.

Marquee. Tele. O Bar.

Bumped into this lovely girl at O Bar :)

My feet are still aching but it was all worth it. Gonna miss these guys over summer break.

Well, bumping into you was unexpected. Sigh.

To Whom It May Concern

2011-11-03T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'm mainly typing all of this out because I'm too much of a wuss to tell you this in person, or on Skype, or anything that involves direct contact with you.

Next weekend is fast approaching and I'm still coming to terms with that. After next weekend, there is a very slim chance of us actually seeing each other in person ever again. To me, that's.. really sad. Not in a soppy movie/book way, but in a sense that this is real and it's happening to us (or maybe just me). All the things I am thinking and feeling aren't a figment of my imagination nor are they a faceless, nameless author or scriptwriter's ideas.

To be honest, repeatedly telling me that you know how to deal with this, having been through the whole process multiple times before doesn't really do much for me. I haven't. I'm not a guy and I'm incapable of numbing myself to these kinds of things. They'll catch up eventually. As Bridget Jones would say, "At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible. Emptying the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventually be eaten by Alsatians, or not. And this time, I choose not. Instead, I choose vodka... and Chaka Khan." Just kidding; it's not that bad. But you get what I mean.

One regret I do have is not being able to become friends with you again before either of us leaves. I can't quite bring myself to do so and you know why. To part on a relatively light note would be nice, but it's not exactly feasible at the moment.

Have a safe trip back to the States. Thanks for 6 months of laksa, hugs, movie nights and everything in between. I'll miss you and that silly high-pitched laugh you make when you find something really funny.

2011-11-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

note to self: your heart makes you think of all the people you will never meet

Messy Post.

2011-10-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

Just one of those nights where I'm thinking a lot about everything and everyone. It's cold and I'm listening to James Morrison and chugging illegal amounts of cold water. My room smells faintly of cigarette smoke, many thanks to my oh-so-considerate housemates who always fail to close the door whenever they step outside to smoke. For the 3rd time this year, my hair is red, but not in a Hayley Williams way. I miss Facebook.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have done some of the things I've done this year.. and I should have done some other things instead. I should stop living vicariously through other people. My narrow vocabulary never ceases to embarrass me. I feel like I haven't grown at all. Mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever. In fact, I feel as if I've regressed somewhat. I am now even more clueless than I was last year and I sure as hell am not stronger. I still wear my heart on my sleeve like a huge doofus even though it does more harm than good. I need to read more. And I definitely need to start packing. If/when I get to go back, that is. Now that Qantas has grounded all of its domestic and international flights, I may have to go home a little later than expected.

In exactly a week's time, I'll be out celebrating my friend's birthday. There will be alcohol, laughter, and dancing in heels. Hopefully there won't be any throwing up involved (unlike the last night out). In 3 weeks' time, I'll be going to London with the fam. In 4 weeks, I'll get my exam results the day before my birthday. I may or may not die then (although the probability of the former occurring is exponentially higher than that of the latter).

2011-10-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have this sudden overwhelming urge to go to America.

2011-10-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Not everyone you love is going to leave you."

Cool story, bro.

2011-10-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a stitch away

from making it

and a scar away

from falling apart

The (After) Life of the Party - Fall Out Boy

I find so much comfort in song lyrics. I feel like I'm 15 all over again.

2011-10-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

D: "I'm so jealous of your.. somewhat boyfriend!"

Ha, ha, ha.

2011-10-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night.

You're probably doing some work, maybe lazing around, maybe grabbing some dinner. In a few minutes' time (or in a couple of hours), you'll start getting ready to head out. You'll put on a clean top, your jeans, your shoes. You'll head out the door, meet up with a couple of mates, and make your way to the clubs. Once you're there, you'll get a drink – perhaps a bottle of WKD or Corona. You'll look around, eyes searching for a familiar face or one that stands out. Of course. You're in a club. Isn't that what everyone's looking for? Eventually you'll spot a pair of smiling eyes, and you'll make your way to them, nudging people out of your way as you do so. You'll shake hands, get to know her name, say something charming, occasionally glancing downwards; you're shy. But your lips will curve into a smile, and you'll laugh as she says something silly. She'll giggle too, blushing, but you won't be able to tell the difference due to poor lighting. At some point you'll make the first move: you'll gently touch her wrist and she'll lean in. You'll get her number. Depending on the direction of the conversation, you'll either end up a) spending the next few hours talking to her, entranced, b) dancing with her, being careful not to touch her too much lest she freaks out, or c) going back to her place for the night/taking her to yours.

But here's the catch: you're not you. You're someone else.. A redhead. And you've got me thoroughly confused and curious.

2011-10-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Lunch at Dome with Dilini, Joan, and Alden. And then we rolled around on the grass and soaked up lethal amounts of vitamin D. 18 degrees of loveliness, inside jokes, and laughing so much till it hurt.

2011-10-02T03:42:00.000-07:00

3:40 am. Just got back from Alden's. Cold. Lots of anger, sadness, and helplessness. The thing about being protective over a friend is when he or she is hurt, you can't really do anything to make their pain go away.

I swear, if I ever bump into Leo, I'll rip off his balls with my bare hands and shove them down his throat. That motherfucker.

2011-10-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight I got hit on by a married man at O Bar.

What the fuck.

I'm not going to give you a kiss on the cheek, nor my number. I won't go back to your hotel room with you and you're definitely not coming back to my place with me.

Go home to your wife and treat her right.

Douchebag.

Care For A Dose of "IDGAF"?

2011-09-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

I absolutely detest it when people who believe in miracles and all that fuzz approach me and try to shove their religion down my throat. Yes, I get that some people firmly believe that miracles are possible and that certain higher beings are responsible for said miracles occurring. I am not one of them. The more people try to get me to do things I'm comfortable with, the more irritated I get. I'm certain that's the same with some others as well.

I've grown up with the mindset that religion is a private matter. That mindset still applies. What people choose to believe in is entirely up to them and it's their right to believe in whatever they want to. Sure, some people may be easily swayed by the words of others who are simply, in their mind, "spreading the good word." I just end up judging them a whole lot more (and I am aware that makes me a pretentious bitch).

Although religion does provide some sort of moral guideline to live by, it can definitely get in the way of relationships. Over the years I've been urged (sometimes not very subtly) to go to church, take part in camps, attend sermons, blah blah blah. Not interested. My presence in such events would only result in me mentally criticising every word they say and rolling my eyes. Again, I'm a pretentious bitch, so that's to be expected, right?

So, PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE. LISTEN UP because I don't give a rat's ass about what you have to say about religion! You live your life the way you want to and I'll live mine. If, for some odd reason, I decide to convert to ___ (insert religion of choice here), so be it. But right now, I'm happy living in my own little bubble of ignorance. You should be too.

2011-09-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

Moose you lots.

2011-09-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

My new babies.

2011-09-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

ranga/jinja ninja

hmm

2011-09-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You Always Hurt the Ones You Love - Mills Brothers

Such a pretty, sad song.

2011-09-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

Another night out. Although this time, 2 hours were spent at The Mansion, and 3 were spent at O Bar. Two shots (tequila & wet pussy). Epic music. Lots of people. Raspy voices as a result of all the shouting, and aching feet from walking, jumping, and dancing in heels.

It's funny how you do certain things on impulse. For instance, when you see someone you love, no matter how hurt you are, you still run to hug them (at least that's the case for me). And before you part ways, you hug them again, with a little more feeling than the last. As if somehow, by osmosis, you could transmit feelings by pressing skin against skin. But I guess, once you really think about it - it's not that funny at all.

All it took was just 10 seconds. 10 seconds after I turned away from you and let the waterworks loose. I never cry in public. Ever. But I did, leaning into Alden and Mich and heaving as if I'd just run a marathon, saying "I miss him" repeatedly.

I can't.

2011-09-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

6 hours of partying. The Lower House, Mobius, O Bar. In that order.

Amazing, really. Observing drunken antics, busting wicked dance moves with the buddies, the flashing lights, the chaotic bars, and avoiding being groped on the dance floor was surprisingly fun. And I didn't end up broke by the end of the night, which is always a good thing. Not drunk. Just a tiny sore throat from talking to this guy for 3 hours straight. Now I get why my friends were so tickled when I was tipsy the other night.. It's fun to watch drunk people do silly things.

And now I'm too awake to go to sleep...

Wishful Thinking

2011-09-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

Every time someone rings the doorbell, my heart lurches.

Thank you lah.

2011-09-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

Mysterious anon(s) on Tumblr.

2011-09-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

2011-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

T(w)o you(s).

You #1: I don't appreciate the attention and I definitely don't appreciate you telling me every single thing you do. Stop waving at me. Please, for the love of all things holy, stop poking me. Stop trying to hug me every time you see me. I don't know how to deal with physical contact from the opposite sex anymore. Stop trying to "find" me on campus during my free hours. Stop trying to make things work between us. I don't have any feelings for you. Don't tell me you're afraid of losing me when I was never even yours to begin with. Don't tell me you don't know how to handle this when I myself am not even capable of making myself feel better after almost a month.

You #2: Last night I missed you more than usual and didn't know what to do.

2011-09-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

Please.

2011-09-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

we are young, we are free

stay up late, we don't sleep

got our friends, got the night

we'll be alright

Sometimes all we need is a little liquid courage in order to do stupid things. Drunk dialing and texting being among those things. I said what I was feeling, albeit being under the influence of alcohol. But I needed to get it out there. I had to.

So...

2011-09-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

Slightly intoxicated blogging. Slowly sobering up but here's a couple of dodgy photos. 2 beers, 2 shots and I'm laughing at everything. I think that's all I had. Lots of dancing and my feet are nearly dead. Alcohol tolerance has dropped, unfortunately. I have glowsticks. They are so cool. Saw an old friend at Curly's. Some greasy dude in an equally greasy coat kept staring and smirking at me. Not cool. O Bar was nice. Crowded, but nicer than Curly's. I've just had a bowl of mi goreng. And I think I shall go to sleep now. Goodnight. Morning. Meh.

2011-09-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

Heading out in a bit. To a bar. Curly's, actually. It should be fun. Had "pre-drinks" with Mich earlier, which had zero alcohol involved.. Instead, we played the guitar and sang horrible Malay renditions of You Belong With Me, Just The Way You Are, and a few other songs. It was brilliant; we were exhausted by the end of it. Clearly, you don't need alcohol to have fun.

I sound really meh right now but I'm not. Not really.

Der Hase und der Igel

2011-09-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

Als der Igel am oberen Ende des Feldes ankam, wartete der Hase dort schon. "Können wir endlich anfangen?" fragte er. "Oder willst du nicht mehr?" "Doch," sagt der Igel. Dann ging jeder zu seiner Furche. Das Hase zählte: "Eins, zwei, drei" und rannte wie ein Sturmwind über das Feld. Der Igel aber blieb ruhig auf seinem Platz.

Als der Hase am unteren Ende das Feldes ankam, sprang die Frau des Igels auf und rief: "Ich bin schon da!" Der Hase konnte es kaum glauben. Aber weil die Frau des Igels genauso aussah wie ihr Mann, rief er: "Einmal ist nicht genug!" Und züruck raste er, dass ihm die ohren am Kopf flogen. Die Frau des Igels aber blieb ruhig auf ihrem Platz. Als der Hase am oberen Ende des Feldes ankam, sprang der Igel aud unf rief: "Ich bin schon da!" Der Hase war ganz außer sich und schrie: "Noch einmal!" "Sooft du Lust hast", lachte der Igel. So lief der Hase noch dreiundsiebzigmal, und jedes Mal, wenn er oben oder unten ankam, riefen der Igel oder seine Frau: "Ich bin schon da!"

Das letzte Mal aber kam der Hase nicht mehr bis zum Ende, sondern stürzte mitten auf dem Feld tot zur Erde. Der Igel aber nahm das Goldstück und die Schnapsflasche, rief seine Frau, und beide gingen vergnügt nach Hause.

Und wenn sie nicht gestorben sind, so leben sie noch heute.

- Die Brüder Grimm

(The Hare and the Hedgehog, by the Brothers Grimm. Read it. It's good.)

Past Tense

2011-09-07T01:08:00.000-07:00

"you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

like resignation to the end"

Gotye. Fleet Foxes. Grizzly Bear. Hungry Kids of Hungary. Angus & Julia Stone. Bright Eyes.

No comfort food for me. Just music for a bruised heart and an aching head.

2011-09-04T00:52:00.000-07:00

grr.

JUST

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

one of your hugs would be nice right about now. too bad they don't come easy no more.

2011-09-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

OH LORDY

Has it really been 5 years since that photo was taken?

2011-08-31T02:52:00.000-07:00

That awkward moment when your close friend reaches over as you're typing a response to your ex-boyfriend and quickly blocks, then deletes him off your Skype contact list. And then you just sit there in disbelief and consequently burst into tears.

It was necessary but it doesn't mean it didn't suck. I miss you terribly.

Sometimes when you break up you tend to forget a lot of the events that really defined the relationship. Of course, at this point in time, random memories from random blocks of time pop up like a jack-in-the-box. That really throws me off guard. Walks on the beach, lunch at Sakura, the time you made me try crackers with cheese and jam, pizza nights, that one time you were particularly gassy after surviving off a lentil-based diet. Still, the one memory that stands out (and hopefully I won't ever forget it) is when you first said hi to me.

2011-08-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

你呢?

2 Weeks

2011-08-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

Keep calm and stay away from razors; drink tea instead.

2011-08-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Mhm.

2011-08-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

"my hands are tied
my body's bruised, she's got me with
nothing to win, and
nothing left to lose

and you give yourself away"

With or Without You - U2

2011-08-25T00:49:00.000-07:00

5 days ago, it took me all the willpower I had to NOT walk to your place, knock on your door and spontaneously combust/burst into tears/say irrational things. It wasn't until later that I found out that you weren't even around, so if I had done the things I'd felt like doing at the time, the results would have been embarrassing.

There are no words.

2011-08-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

2011-08-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

"That razor over there is like nicotine for you." - JC

2011-08-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

Blogging from uni, this is new. Ish.

This routine is getting to me. Waking up feeling like crap but gradually feeling better as the day progresses, but I see/hear one thing about you and my mind implodes. It's like removing shards of glass from an open wound only to have even more shards embed themselves in the wound.

Are you happy now? Now you've got what you wanted: freedom. It's what you wanted from the start, right? No strings attached. And now you've got all the time and power in the world to do as you please. To date faceless, nameless girls who are just as casual as you are. And I'm just... here.

Puas?

Naja

2011-08-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

Slice.

The wounds look like disfigured gills.

2011-08-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

His heart and my heart and none of the pain

I wish.

2011-08-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

"Please don't do it. You know something? You and _ are the only two people who make Tasmania worth living in. I hate it here, honestly, and I'd rather be in Brisbane. But you and _ make me want to stay. So don't do it. If you feel sad, no matter at what time of the day, just call me. I'm literally a stone's throw away. I'm scared for you." - JC, who hates being called a teddy bear

Friends.

2011-08-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

I don't think you know what you've done

Except I feel like Tom Hansen who's smashing plates on his counter/numbly bouncing the tennis ball on the floor of his bedroom while Summer's busy being happy.

2011-08-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

(500) Days of Summer. I feel like Tom.

"I HATE THIS SONG!"

2011-08-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

What the fuck am I supposed to do? You dah puas hati?

Please, please let me get through this.

2011-08-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like a freak.

2011-08-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

sungguh senang untuk kau. macam kau tak pernah kisah tentang aku. dari permulaan hubungan ini, I memang sudah tahu bahawa kau akan lupa tentang aku. namun aku tetap ada hati kat you. mengapa, ya? why do we do things that will hurt us in the end?

aku pula, tidak mempunyai apa-apa lagi. kau tak akan berjumpa dengan aku lagi. aku tak tahu sama ada gambar kau akan ditampal kat dinding aku. I haven't made my mind up about that yet. tunggu je lah. mungkin ya, mungkin tidak.

aku rindu kau. it'll take time. tapi even after you leave, aku tetap akan rindu kau. tak tahulah kenapa, tapi akan tetap rindu juga. mengapa, walaupun kau tak kisah tentang aku?

hatiku teramat bodoh and I don't know how to fix it.

All The Fucks That Are Given

2011-08-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

Am I supposed to feel better? Because I sure as hell don't.

but sadly you don't feel the same about me

2011-08-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

people should stop dying.

family > everything else,

even guy issues. on a related note, guys are so confusing.

the timing couldn't be worse